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Posts Tagged ‘alcohol’

newgrowthso the time has come

to remove the dead and decaying that

has become useless  and aged

that in its prime, bloomed brilliant

violet and orange

and brought  kings to their knees

and princes to tears

as we kneel

we work our hands into

the soil and wonder

who’s hands

we may have taught

to do this chore next year,

someone with love and mom

we hope

and we understand

new life

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ufp-pool-of-tears
A young women, close friend of my daughter, recently discovered both parents dead of an apparent murder/suicide. I must speak to this unimaginable tragedy as it has hit my own heart hard.

Sad

Sad
for the senselessness
that left behind
this sorrow, anger, rage
fear, and emptiness
shaped into tears
all pooled together
on the floor

Sad
for the inescapable
heartwrenching
unimaginable,
tasks that must be borne
by innocents to
go forward

Sad
for the tangle of twisted
emotion
love and hate together
challenging one another
in one head
fused together
impenetrable

Sad
for the feelings
of guilt and blame
sure to emerge
the ‘if only’s and ‘what if’s
and the intense shame so
undeserved but
relentless

Sad
for the lost
moments all children
deserve
gingerbread kisses moments,
I love you hugs
prideful moments
sweet simple joyful
moments
lost is the
sense of
protection and security
parental wisdom
brings

And when the

fog of disbelief
dissolves
I’m So Very Sad
for the pain
still to come

Love One Another

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day_vs_night_by_fotolympus

I must read my own words
to know the door will open
but until then I
am in a state of in between

I’m in a jodi’s closet
two doors, both locked
I’m between winter and spring
tears and laughter

I’m between no longer young
and too old
between afraid and secure
a metronome stopped mid-melody

I’m between hate and love
abused and cherished
dissatisfied and content
Lord, move me

I’m in between
and I’m
desperate to lean
one way or the other

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I need a new beginning
before I reach the end

I’m unraveling
before I can get it together

I pull and I get guts
no start no end

tangles

not what I expected
but I can’t start over

deadline approaches

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driving-rain

Weather, we all know, affects lives every day.  First up on local and national news so often over the last few months, weather can disrupt our lives in so many ways.  Storms leave us literally powerless.  Last winter’s tornados tore cities and families apart.  Hurricane Sandy left many homeless, and dreams destroyed.  The blizzards of recent weeks brought transportation to a halt.  Of course the children loved missing school and building snow castles.

I was born in Kentucky but I moved to New England as a young child and feel as much a native of that area as Chief Wachusett (was there one?).  I loved the cold wet snow.  I loved the excited anticipation of an impending snowfall.  In summer I even loved the fearful moments of a thunderstorm. So close that I could only reach six as I counted out it’s distance. Weather sadly affected my wedding day, snow fall the night before caused guests to cancel.

It wasn’t until I moved to the west coast, that I realized how much weather affects not only our daily lives, but our moods, our feelings, our brains.  When I moved to Washington state, the weather was at it’s best.  Clear blue beautiful skies exposed the beauty of Mt. Hood and Mt. St. Helens.   The roaring Columbia Gap, to the painted deserts were gorgeous and uplifting. The daily summer showers were short but refreshing.  But winter came and I found the dark, continual dampness unbearable.  Not too many months later I returned to the east coast.  Weather happens everywhere and it can do so much more than the things I’ve mentioned, Weather can unglue you then glue you back together again.

Yesterday I had the realization that weather has so much more influence on my thoughts, health and mood than I could ever imagine.  Another rainy day like so many of the days before and I had to go out in it.  Warm rain but dark and unrelentless.  This rain followiing several days of cold, cloudy and damp.  Dinner would be comfort food certainly, stuffed cabbage or meatloaf maybe.  Tapioca pudding and brownies for dessert.  Following my appointments out in the elements, I returned to my bed, to read and maybe slip off into a short nap.  I felt fatigued and kind of headachey and of course the Lord knows, how the rain affects my joints.  Just ‘under the weather’ as they say. But, then something happened.

clearingstorm
The rain stopped.  Almost suddenly the rain stopped and warmth of the sun shone through.  I could see patches of blue out my window and the birds wanted their lunch.  My mood brightened instantly.  I got up and dressed and changed the dinner plans to simple hamburgers and a salad.  I fed the ducks, watered my plants and smiled.  Yep, I smiled.

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words don’t flow
unnaturally
the wine is corked
the bottle empty instead
a flood of seratonin sameness
envelopes me
on a constant even keel
not not feeling but not reacting
without cause
there is no anger but there is still
the sameness we play
nothing has changed
the snake still coils to strike
but instead withdraws quietly
water grows stagnant around me
I’m wet matches and dead batteries
the impetus of life
seems dilute
but I’m ok

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