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Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

2014-04-01 11.44.50
Another mouth to feed, one that decidedly will become a big one.  This  67-yr old, not the least bit athletic, not even remotely athletic, has fallen for one of the litter I wrote about in February.  Lil Bear, I call him.  You can call me crazy.  I wavered for a couple weeks. I brought him home to ‘try out’ with my other two older, wonderful dogs.  That didn’t exactly go well.  Freckles is afraid Bear will eat his food.  Snickers is afraid Bear will take his spot next to me on the couch.  My reassurance did not help.   I brought him back to the litter the next day.  It was hard, I cri ed.  My husband said we don’t need another dog.  No one really needs one dog unless it’s a service dog.  But three!  He’s right, I don’t need another dog.

Lil Bear, hit my heart hard!  When I went to help my daughter clean up after the first 6 pups left, I tried to ignore him.  I cleaned up poopey papers, washed the floors as he and his litter-mates chased the mop.  I hugged and petted each pup equally.  Well almost.  when I picked him up for his lovin’, he looked into my eyes and he laughed, I know he laughed.  He knew he had me.  Another of the litter was adopted.  Down to 5 from the 11 Maisey had birthed.  I knew the last male was being kept by Julie, my daughter.   I tried out a female which was my preference if I was crazy enough to have another dog.  The little girl was so spooked by my female beagle, I thought she’d die of fright.  After an hour or two, I took her home.  She was sweet but I knew she would be forever skittish.  I really don’t need another dog anyway.

Julie reminded me that soon after their ‘fixin’, the remaining pups would be going to the adoption center.  Last weekend I decided I do need another dog and brought ‘Bear’ home again.  My logic is flawed I’m sure, but here it is.  My daughter owns his mother.  His favorite playmate of the litter is also going to be with my daughter.  I’m sure Bear will be a frequent visitor at the home four short miles away.  Julie will often take bear to the beach with them all to run.  She will also care for him if I need to travel.  Bear Loves Me!  Enough said? No?

I LOVE Li’l BEAR! Now he is mine.

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I have had dogs all my life.  As a toddler, I was watched over by “Lassie”, then as a youngster “Lady and Chang” took her place.  And as I grew up, there was always a sweet dog to talk to when I had secrets or life wasn’t going my way.  After I married, it wasn’t long before “Peanuts”, an adorable female beagle came into our lives.  We bred her and she had 13 puppies.  Motherhood was more than she could handle and she disappeared just as her pups started weaning.  We kept her pup “Ty”.  He had to be relocated into a good home when unexpected layoffs forced us to move in with parents.  I loved that little beagle.  “Muffin”, a little maltese became my baby when my kids headed off to school.  She died in my arms after chasing a cat very early one day.  Devastated.  In 1990 we bought my daughter a yorkie.  She loved to swim and chase balls and was always full of energy, up until 2005, when my husband had the courage to have her put down.  Now I have “Freckles”, a 10 yr old beagle and “Snickers” a 5 yr old “Morky”.

2013-10-13 10.16.15I have my hands full with these two.  “Freck” will eat herself sick if we aren’t careful and “Snick” likes to tease “Freck” to come near his food, then chow down when she comes near.  He can play all day and night, where she is a couch potato.  Both love to run and eat dandelion puff balls.2013-06-10 08.45.09

I don’t need another dog, but these puppies are so damn cute and cuddly.  Three of them have become my favorites, though I love each and every one.  At 5 wks old, each has a personality all its own.  “Chin” is a black female with just a spot of white on her chin.  She likes to sleep in a corner with her head resting up the wall.
“Miss T” is also black, with a white ‘T’ on her chest.  She like to sleep on the pee papers.  “Bruiser” was the first brown pup of the litter.  He was larger and bolder that all of them.  Lord, I can’t resist his eyes.  He like to crawl into dark spaces.  “Daisy” is the smallest pup, but what she lacks in size, she makes up in playfulness.  She loves to pounce on the other sleeping pups.

Most of my dogs have been kennel produced.  Something I’m not proud of.  Especially since “Snickers” was clearly the product of a puppy mill.  I’m ashamed I allowed myself to support the mill, but so glad I rescued him from it.

??????“Maisey” the mom of the 11 new pups is a sweet, almost too submissive girl.  She wags her tail constantly and seems so happy to have a good home.  Father of these pups is unknown but I think there may be two.  The dark pup have shorter ears, placed higher on their head.  All have very fuzzy, medium length fur.  The three tan pups resemble collies or shelties maybe, tri-colored with ears lower on their rounded heads.

I could use suggestions identifying possible breeds.  I think momma is part retriever or lab. 2014-04-01 11.44.502014-04-01 11.45.57

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2014-02-28 09.40.18   I’ve been going through a rough spell during the last few months.  Isn’t it always the post-holiday season, winter cold, false spring starts that drag you down?  Newly sprouted spring bulbs frozen in place by an unexpected cold snap, Christmas debt, flu-bugs, sometimes I wonder how anyone makes it through the doldrums of February and March.  This year I received an unexpected lift.  11 to be exact.  It sort of redefined life, mine especially. My daughter found a young female puppy cowering in traffic in the pouring rain.  She called the police and pulled the dog to safety.  After 5 days at the pound, ‘Maisey’ became part of her family.  Vet checked her over and owner didn’t want this passive little girl, so Julie brought her home. Some short weeks later, a trip to the vet confirmed she was pregnant.   Maisey underwent an ultrasound and was expecting  6 pups.  In the early evening of February 21, Maisey made her nest in a closet and set out to birth her pups.  Julie had tried to get her into a child’s swimming pool to present her babies, but Maisey had other ideas.  The first pup was born about 6:00 PM.  Myself and Pappa rushed through supper and drove the few miles so we could witness the remaining births. By our arrival, 3 pups had been whelped, and so we were privy to the birth of the next 3.  A message awaited us when we arrived home, 3 more pups had been born during our short 15 minute trip home.  It was now 9:30PM.  Before 11PM, 2 more pups were born.  11 pups total, and one exhausted momma. My husband and I have been able to babysit on an almost daily basis.  Walking momma dog, and seeing to the puppies feedings and cleaning has been a joy.  Updates to come.

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newgrowthso the time has come

to remove the dead and decaying that

has become useless  and aged

that in its prime, bloomed brilliant

violet and orange

and brought  kings to their knees

and princes to tears

as we kneel

we work our hands into

the soil and wonder

who’s hands

we may have taught

to do this chore next year,

someone with love and mom

we hope

and we understand

new life

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ice-fire-robert-frostI cannot continue

tears fall inside

I have no backbone

I hate conflict

I hate fighting

tears fall inside

I hate hurting any breathing thing

I hate being hurt

I hate seeing anyone in pain

tears fall inside

I was born with extreme sensitivity

I cannot continue to argue

I don’t want to continue to argue

I don’t want to continue

tears fall inside

no-one knows it but I’m at risk

take that how you want

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ufp-pool-of-tears
A young women, close friend of my daughter, recently discovered both parents dead of an apparent murder/suicide. I must speak to this unimaginable tragedy as it has hit my own heart hard.

Sad

Sad
for the senselessness
that left behind
this sorrow, anger, rage
fear, and emptiness
shaped into tears
all pooled together
on the floor

Sad
for the inescapable
heartwrenching
unimaginable,
tasks that must be borne
by innocents to
go forward

Sad
for the tangle of twisted
emotion
love and hate together
challenging one another
in one head
fused together
impenetrable

Sad
for the feelings
of guilt and blame
sure to emerge
the ‘if only’s and ‘what if’s
and the intense shame so
undeserved but
relentless

Sad
for the lost
moments all children
deserve
gingerbread kisses moments,
I love you hugs
prideful moments
sweet simple joyful
moments
lost is the
sense of
protection and security
parental wisdom
brings

And when the

fog of disbelief
dissolves
I’m So Very Sad
for the pain
still to come

Love One Another

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